Living Soft in a Hard World
Loving the soft life!
The day is finally over, and my to-do list has been crossed off completely. That’s not to say everything is done, but I’ve learned to work with my ambitious mind, instead of against it. Before sinking into the couch, I make a new agenda, crossing off each task I didn’t complete today, and scribbling it onto a new sheet of paper, labeled with tomorrow’s date.
With the day done, I flip on the tv and wrap my arms around the pillow in my lap. Comfort takes over and my mind is at ease. My body is at ease. Tonight, my thoughts drift to how far I’ve come in this journey of personal growth. While that reality typically lies deep in my subconscious, today has been extremely difficult, bringing it to the front of my mind. The burdens of life have been heavy lately, but I have carried them with much more ease than I once would have. Back then, my idea of coping was to rant and rave until I was blue in the face. I wanted to take action, but I truly could not see any steps forward. This was only made worse when well-meaning friends and family offered advice that brought up ten more barriers, then insulted me or distanced themselves when I felt irritable and overwhelmed by their suggestions.
Not long ago, my weeknights looked very different. The thought of sitting down to watch a movie was a pipedream. While I tried to take my mind off all the unfinished tasks left to do, my kids would suddenly remember, they did in fact have homework that was very important and very hard. (And why was it ALWAYS math?!) Laundry had to be done, before or after the dishes? When everything is essential, how do you prioritize? The truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t even try, and honestly, I couldn’t. The day-to-day effort it took just to survive was mind-numbing, as I lived isolated and independent to a toxic degree.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am still a strong, ambitious, adventurous, and capable woman. To be truthful, when I learned to accept help, set healthier boundaries, and vulnerably connect with others, my strength and abilities grew, and codependency faded away. With it, I slowly noticed my bad temper, my impatience, my ever-growing need for control slipping away as well.
Today, I felt myself slipping back to that, grasping at the straws of resentment and deflection of blame. The fact is life is hard. Challenges arise for all of us, but we also have the ability to overcome those barriers. When I noticed that I was falling back into old patterns, I knew I had to make intentional steps toward the woman I have worked so hard to be.
While slow living does take some work to maintain, it’s far easier than the hustle culture we all got pulled into there for some time. Soft living is about embracing ease, minimalism, comfort, and connection. Here are some ways that you can nurture slow living in some of the most important areas of life.
But how?
There are several things I have learned I must do to maintain my well-being and the relationships I hold dear. These are important steps to take in the beginning stages of stress and overwhelm. These tips are not intended to take the place of essential mental health services or mental health treatment. If you feel you are nearing a crisis, please seek help through your local mental health service providers, emergency room, or 988 crisis intervention hotline. For now, let’s talk about how to prioritize mental health.
Self-Awareness
Challenges can arise both externally and internally. Every problem in our life isn’t with our life. Some problems arise when we are unfocused, unaware, or unwilling to change our trajectory (and sometimes willing, but unsure how. I can help if this sounds like you!). Sometimes the problems are outside of us and we will talk in a minute about how to address those challenges. However, I first want to talk about some ways that a lack, or even an abundance, of self-awareness can impact us negatively.
If we are not aware of our own values, beliefs, and how our surroundings have influenced us, a lot of our energy is spent chasing the wind. It is somewhat simple to start fixing this. Just ask why. When you are about to do something, and it seems to bring stress or negatively impacts you, take a pause and genuinely reflect on why you’ve made this choice. Is it to reach a goal that will pay off in the end, although it’s burdensome to you now? Then absolutely, push forward? But if it is just what everyone before you has done, or you’re trying to impress or please someone else, ask what the alternatives are. Be honest with yourself about the possible outcomes of making a different choice, and decide what risks are truly worth it.
It makes sense that a lack of self-awareness can lead us down a confusing path that might not get us anywhere, let alone somewhere we are proud to be. But is it possible to be “too” self-aware? Friend, my answer to that is a resounding yes!
So, what does “too self-aware" look like? Let me paint you a picture.
Life is hard for us all, but maybe you’re a person who has faced a bit more adversity than most and that started at an early age. The comfort zone becomes more than comfort for us. Stepping just outside that comfort zone feels like a war zone. Just beyond our comfort level should be the place that we grow, but when you have had many harmful experiences, the body and mind start to believe that comfort is safety. Being aware of our limits can cause hesitation that stops change, even positive change, in our lives. We also often intellectualize the problems, instead of truly facing them.
Friends and Family
Nurture Meaningful Relationships
If you want to live a soft life, it’s essential to have a connected support system. You can manage this by prioritizing quality time with the people who mean the most to you. This isn’t just about being around them physically. It’s important to focus on the connection, getting to know each other, and enjoying time together. This can be done with fun family outings or staying in for a cooking competition or fun game nights. Some of my family’s favorites are hiking, road trips, and taking walks together around our neighborhood. We also started a practice with my teenagers called 15 minutes of honesty. If someone asks for their 15 minutes of honesty, I give them that time to share whatever is going on without responding or reacting. Sometimes they share things that would normally get them in trouble. Other times, they share situations where I need to fight for them. Since I can’t respond, this gives them a chance to think through the problem and ask for a specific response from me.
Active Listening
This is also a great time to mention active listening. During these talks, and all other quality time, it’s important to really listen to each other. Active listening doesn’t just take information in. When we listen actively, we assess what’s being said, and sometimes what isn’t. We really engage in the conversation, clarifying when needed. We also consider the tone of the conversation and the intention of the speaker. By listening intently to what is being said, and how, before responding, we create a comfortable environment for our loved ones to open up.
Community Connectedness
Engage Locally
Family aren’t the only people we need to nurture relationships with, though. We also need to connect with others in our local community. In the best of times, this allows us to maintain positive relationships and build support systems. It can also be a blessing to us to support others. Then, when we are the ones who need some support, we have already built that safety net. Whether you have a medical emergency and need a meal train, a financial upset and need referrals for a new job, or your car breaks down and your kids need a ride to school, having connections in the community make the soft life much more accessible.
Experience New Things
Staying connected in your community also opens your eyes to new experiences and opportunities. While it’s great to have a friend who invites you to new outings, there are other options if you don’t have that yet. You can look in social media event calendars or check out your local library for a community bulletin board. Churches often have events and activities, as well. As you try new things, you might not just pick up a new hobby. You will likely find yourself forging many new friendships along the way too!
Spirituality
Embrace Mindfulness Practices
While I will be writing this from a Christian lens, spirituality does not necessarily have to revolve around a higher power. I start my mornings with prayer and listening to a Bible study on an app. Others may choose to meditate, do breathing exercises, or take a quiet walk before the sun is up (kudos to you if you’re in this last camp! I envy your self-discipline!) The takeaway I want you to get from this is to always start your day slowly. Whether it’s God, nature, or just your own mind, ground yourself in the calm and quiet of the morning. After a few minutes of quiet, start to think of your biggest goals for the day. I don’t think it’s necessary to rush to these goals but keep them in the front of your mind as you go about your day. As you move from task to task, ask yourself if this is supportive of the goals you would like to accomplish. The more efficiently you use your time, the less you need to rush to catch up.
Explore Personal Beliefs
I also find it essential to examine my beliefs and values. Burn out doesn’t necessarily come from working too hard, though it can. More often, I find myself burnt out when I am not aligned with my values and beliefs. When you are living aligned, even the mundane daily tasks can be energizing. Nature is something I highly value, so as I mow the grass, I focus my attention on the sun warming my shoulders. Connection is another top value, so when I am working, I make extra effort to find some personal connection with clients and colleagues each day. Taking care of our spirituality is really about allowing ourselves to think a little deeper, and to live in a intentional and purposeful way.
Rest
All Areas of Rest
Finally, rest is a vital component of living softly. Rest is necessary in all areas of life: physical, mental, emotional, and social. While everyone will have their own level of needs in each area, we should have some dedicated downtime for each. Physical rest is relatively straight forward but I would like to talk deeper about the others.
Mental fatigue is a real thing that can cause serious problems. It may cause irritability or disconnect, which will affect us in so many other ways. Mental fatigue occurs when we have been thinking way too hard. There are some phases of life that seem to just present one problem after another. We can get stuck in a habit of overthinking even when there’s nothing left to do to fix the problem. Recognizing when you’ve done all you can do is so important! When you recognize that a situation is out of your control, it’s ok to grab your favorite snack and binge your favorite show. I’d argue that it’s more than ok. It’s necessary to just veg out on occasion.
Similarly, emotional fatigue can make us seem uncaring and uninterested in others. This is also no way to live and can undermine the safety net we discussed earlier. When life is emotionally heavy, it becomes more important than ever to set healthy boundaries and protect our energy. While I do not think it’s healthy to isolate, it is ok to limit conversation to lighter topics for a period of time (though, if this need never seems to end, it may be wise to seek help from a counselor or mental health professional).
Social rest is also important. Again, this doesn’t mean you need time completely alone. Many of us have safe friends and family members with whom we don’t feel the need to be as performative. When you start to feel a bit pressured or burnt out, it can be helpful to spend some time with these safe people, doing little to nothing.